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I quit Social Media

Why I quit social media

It may seem awkward to read the title of a blog that says „why I quit social media“, but let me explain...
In january, I made a decision. I noticed in my personal work that one of my authentic code elements is „being seen“. So I thought, maybe I should go through the feelings of shame and thoughts of „not good enough“, „too old“ and „ridiculous“ and make myself be seen in everything I do, live and am talented in. Which is, in all humbleness, a lot of things. Which I’m absolutely sure totally applies to you too, dear reader. Because if I‘ve learned one thing it is that we all learned to block ourselves from our potential...

So, I set out to create my youtube channel, skripts, royalty free music, Ipad and all, created a concept for my Instagram account, read articles on social media interaction and took lots of photos and videos. I even started to dance again after 27 years of staying away from my once most passionate dream profession. And I made videos of it, taking pride in my still beautiful body at 46 and my dancing that still showed traces of my professional classical dance training. 
But then, something happened... Life happened. My dad suddenly got severely ill. This man who never had any illness and always was the rock for everyone in my family had missed the opportunity to gethis gallbladder removed so a devious little stone would have had no chance of clogging the entrance of his pancreas which is exactly what happened. He fought for his life for about a month during apandemic when noone from his family could come see him, talk to him, explain to him what had happened. He was in the deepest artificial coma, yet we all know the stories of those who lived through this and the trauma this experience leaves them with...

So here I was, trying to hold on to my plans of embodying everything and documenting my tools of moving through fear, pain and severe stress, all while navigating life with my chronically ill husband and three children. It helped me to dance for my dad and to write about the pain of loosing a parent so unexpectedly. I wrote about how I had to learn to set my boundaries especially for those closest to me. I wrote about letting go of not only my dad who died on April 24th, but also about letting go my fears and feelings of responsibility for my 18 year old who was acting out at the time.

When you know, you know...

All summer, I still posted pictures, stories and videos every other day, always seeking to be seen and heard on the one hand and making an effort to be of service for those who may might go through something similar. And I desperately wanted to monetize my efforts! I realized that usually 3 to 20 people viewed my stories, but noone would like or comment my posts that I put so much of my knowledge, skill and heart into. The average number of likes for my posts was 5. I grew increasingly frustrated. I felt the call to be a teacher, a leader, a role model for all that I so liberately shared. Some of the most consistent viewers of my stories even were remote friends of mine, who still never made the effort to support me, to forward my service to potentially paying clients or to at least give me feedback on why they consistently watched my stories. 

I felt hurt and exploited. But I worked through these feelings with the neuroplasticity work that I had already been doing for 2 plus years. It helped clear limiting beliefs I had carried from a young age and it helped me work through blocks of shame around being seen that I had imprinted growing up. It was quite a journey and I wouldn’t minimize my personal takeaway. But it came to a dead end for me... At one point, I offered a whole workshop on colortherapy totally for free on instagram, because a woman who has a published book took interest in color work and encouraged me to do this series and use her as an example. So I did her analysis for free and she shared my posts that were also free material I had payed for during my own education to become a color therapist... It all didn‘t feel good. I felt like I was feeding those people who watched my stories, I imagined them making screenshots of my content and using it for their personal progress or maybe even for their own professional purposes. I felt exploited. I felt not seen. I felt ignored. I felt abused. I felt not good enough at the same time, because a part of me still doesn‘t acknoledge everything I‘ve acquired in my life and all the skills and talents I have.

So yesterday, I stopped. I don’t want to write for people who don’t pay me respect for what I offer. I don’t want to work for people who don’t pay me (literally!) My work is immaterial, what I write,speak and share is intellectual property, my expertise is well earned through my studies in philosophy and psychology as well as my life lived up until now. If I want something, I pay for it. So I stopped trading my knowledge and wisdom for appreciation that never comes...

So I‘m now going back to my real life. I try to move those blocks and make myself be seen IN REAL LIFE! For after all, how real is the the part we let others see while holding on to control through the choice of pictures, words and content we share (or don‘t share) anyway?

(Sessions with me are available through this website.)

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